Reprimanding a parent

 I was trying to take care of my fucked up foot in the kitchen and my mom was freaking out, going down spiralling rabbit holes of fear and anxiety. I had to tell her to stop at least 3 times. And all I did was tell her to stop and give her hell verbally about freaking me out more than I already am.

The image above is because I was communicating with a text buddy about an "ugly holiday sweater" coloring page. I asked if he had a request for 1 to be made among my planned others and he defeated the purpose. I chose to misread the words.

The diarrhea has been intense for quite some time. I suspect something digestivally wrong that my left leg senses too. I move, drink liquids...

This is to show that products which look a certain way do not necessitate production in that method. The "slats" "stuck onto" the end panels of this "crate" used to be just sides. Look at the side slots to view how the cuttting tool  removed end panel material.

Technology

 

This has been some time in coming, but ultimately doomed. I need extended desktop to fit the keyboard in the right direction and not fall off when I'm using it. You see the clips. The board is just the cheapest particle board from a package from China. I wrapped it in my psychedelic paper.

Retroarch is possible on the phone and works coherently. However, the controls are so terrible that nothing with quick or complex control manipulation is playable.

These are views from my window. Probably not the smartest thing, but who cares at that level of information, correlation and specification? Winter looks great, but feels horrible.

Trash typing again

 Let's examine:

"It is what it is"

"This is what it is"

"That is what it is"

"That is how it is"

Only the 1st is nonsense and commonplace.

My room has a wall light with faulty wiring across the floor. When I walk, the light stays off. There is a jingly cabinet of stuff downstairs. When I walk, the stuff jingles less than when a miniature datchshund walks by. I informed my mom of this tonight when she turned the light on. My mom might weigh 10lbs more than my 115. I don't think that difference changes the wiring in my floor.

Slash of GnR is reputedly and admittedly a great guitarist. What he has is not technical virtuosity, but raw feeling, naked soul. He's using how he plays and manipulation of larger musical elements to convey feeling. He's not "just that fucking good", no. We need to identify why he of all people is good at it, what makes him good, what does he do well? A little more explanation earlier in life would have saved me so many problems and made so many things more enjoyable. I asked and looked and got very little.

Image #3 is the only bit of my photodump that concerns me. Eating white sugar and smoking nicotine vape cannot go well together or in the long run.

Keyboard case for small messenger bag

 

I was tying this keyboard to the back of my bag after wrapping it in plastic bags. No go. This is like memory foam mousepad type material and everything is attached with twine. I plan to reenforce the joint areas where twine crosses bag and manage that system better.

Angelic Cabbies

 Angels here are not little white kids. I explained to 1 last night. They don't have halos, they have cornrows. Black cabbies. Dude gave me a menthol cigarette right there in the cab. Angels are just some person who shows up with or to do exactly what you need most.

I would like to discern plot engagement vs. Psychological engagement. Plot is Valerian and the city... (2017) While psychological is Branded (2012). What is going on vs the effect on characters kind of balance. I just arrived in my folder, looking for the 1st is why I mention.

Fritz Lang made a Nibelungen movie in 1924. It was nearly 5 hours of german expressionist cinema, nearly forgotten by most. In this, a woman's nigh unslayable husband is slain by design. She is really having a time of it and those are some great scenes. Kriemhild swears revenge.

Post-hospital jitters

 

Sometimes, I feel like a friend I used to know in Hamiln. He would get stoned and start foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. I joke, he spat lots. I end up doing the same with vapes as he did with bongs. He had a skull bong that he liked for a while, but smashed it to harvest resin. I made a brutal bong there from a coffee drink container and metal slider. It was dwarven: simple and strong. People there could not understand my desire to get 2 hits in relatively quickly to start the session before just relaxing and letting it circle the room slowly. They just didn't see why, how, I don't know.

I can't go to the hospital anymore. Freaks me out too much. The hospital taught me good and evil. My plushy taught me love. Music taught me depth of emotion and identity.

At the most recent hospital, I had diarrhea, the bed was uncomfortable, no side table, no nicotine, no tizanidine, 1/3rd gabapentin while in intense pain and they wondered why I could not calm down.

Hospital posting!

  Recently had to tell a doctor type "unfortunately, I'm a living thing, not a warehouse item. You can't just stick me on a shelf to wait until...". This person also gave me an unidentified pill that I took in desperation. No informing the patient of medications anymore. Asked and found oxycodone in a yet to be determined amount. Just asked. Fuck informing the patient. Turns out it was 5mg. I should not have to ask these questions after I took a pill. Those "rules" the hospital is supposed to operate by are false. Once in that building, they do anything they want. No questions asked. I swear if the cops came in, the doctors could tell them to drop and fellate. The cops would be obligated to comply. Does a doctor really pull the main strings at the top of this multi-tiered puppet show? The hospital "caring" or "helping" is like the American government's apocalyptic "peacekeeping missions" in Iraq.

My phone is at 31% with a dead power block in my bag and I sit here, typing into my blog. Just bebopping and skatting all over the broken medical system. The most important thing is waiting through pain. That is what the hospital is for. It is the most frequently encountered, most commonly practiced thing in the building. I can hardly see how that would not be its primary purpose. I'm clocking in at 14 hours of waiting in the hospital right here, right now. No food, no water. We have to starve and dehydrate the incoming patients. Otherwise, our torture would not be quite so effective.

I was just held prisoner in a loud, cold hallway for 2 days. 3 people literally watched me shit. I just told someone "this hall is just me and beeping machines I am not connected to." The event which led to this was a meeting with some doctor type in which I told him I'm not happy and don't like the world. I told him that my last stay here taught me good and evil without thinking. I would never want to hurt anything. He took this as an indication of something weaker than him to dominate and punish. Now I have to leave "against medical advice" so I can go back to the parents' place for a day before another hospital. My foot is all fucked up, covered in sores and swollen. They could have treated me like a patient and I would have waited quite some time with no problems. Nope, they had to cause problems.

Body issuez

 I've been in pain for 12 hours now. Don't know what's going on, but I have to output wastes. Solid and liquid.

Got bad in the leg and I couldn't take it anymore. Parents are pushing hard, stressing, every second more problems while getting to the hospital. My dad is like signing paperwork and sticking around after we both know how much time I spend in hospital emergency rooms. I get to a bed, lots of needles, dilaudid trip, juice and tuna. Ok, so they say go back to unity and I think "Queen of Dark Horizons!" My night nurse! I want her back! Meanwhile, everything that happens stresses me out more and I think about going back to that house. Telling the nurse I've been too stressed the past 42 years. I want my 4mulator, drive and 8 string. The vapes might be nice too. Then I don't care where I go because I know it will be designed to get me dope addicted and on the street asap. Hypothetical death is only years away from there.

Having the blog edit on my phone was genius. Obviously divine inspiration straight from my home world, tussin space. Who could bring a computer to the hospital? On the scene reporting straight from the maw of the beast.

A cleaning crew member at brockport hospital just commented on my shirt. He was talking about seeing Ozzy with Maiden. I told him my 1st show was King Diamond and like playing shows more than viewing. That felt really good. I insisted on the right things.

And the hospitalfolk never stop either. I had to tell a doctor "it hurts enough now. You can stop.". The ambulance folk reminded me that hospital employees belong in law enforcement and cops belong in hospitals. The medical workers are far too criminally minded to be helping anyone. Always designing new ways to break obvious rules with mundane items. Yeah, that vape fluid will sure hurt me without the vape. Every process has to happen at the worst time like "you've had your pills 5 minutes ago. Of course they would already be working. I'm a doctor." When you know from 3 years experience those pills take an hour minimum. Have to scare the patient, communicate as little as possible... People show up, ask who I am and start barking orders. Maybe if they told me who they were, I would be more cooperative.

The images above are obviously different places. I snapped 1 in the room at brockport and the drawing goes with the other photo. Drawn from bed in emergency hall, overleaf note in book.

Android games

 https://hyperrogue.en.softonic.com/android

Go to the source and get a deeper game with less problems.

The game involves gathering resources and defeating enemies in various areas with various rules. The enemies like to hunt those with more resources more. In the screenshot, my greyish character is being chased across a disappearing floor. Where he or the enemy has stepped, the floor is gone. There is also a blob area with 2 colors of floor and enemies. By defeating an enemy of red, he can move from blue floor to red floor. Desert and winter areas are pretty standard for just picking up stuff that makes the enemy hotter for your blood, but the desert has unattackable sandworms for example. No ads. The sound settings reset easily by game or app restart.

https://happymod.com/candy-crush-saga-app-mod/com.king.candycrushsaga/nm.mod.candy-crush-saga-1-283-1-1.html

And here is candy crush with no ads I see so far. This post is for my friend who likes video games and anyone else who sees it.

Talk of a less trashy nature

 I've been communicating with my new brother in law and he is not confident. My sister equated us and feared one may drive the other to suicide. He seems like my laziest, cheapest buzz seeking nature without any creative pursuit. At least I have been able to help advise him through my experience with game emulator devices.

What I seek to impart to this man, if anything, is belief in oneself and the interest level to figure things out for yourself. Like "Who am I, where am I, what is going on and how do I figure out how I fit in that and what to do? Then the balls to follow through on something, despite any opposition." Just being yourself, standing for what you believe in, leaving no doubt in your mind whether you have lived. If we add not hurting others to that, you're doing pretty well.

A funny story happened. I text my mom at strange times because she is awake then and helps me with a chore. I accidentally texted my sister instead this morning. Then, when I was misunderstanding her this afternoon, she clued me in way too late like everyone else, I told her that I am most like Don Quixote: always misunderstanding and misunderstood. I reminded her of the wrong person text this morning and she found it funny. Is what I do so odd that nobody understands it? Do I communicate in such a strange way that nobody ever wants to know about what I'm saying? I made a playlist "like me" with 1920s video from German expressionist cinema (arty stuff) and Buster Keaton (absurd physical comedy) and thought it an admirable reading of myself, considering I would be substituting music from other sources. I've identified myself to others using Don Quixote and the Cheshire cat as prime examples. The Cheshire cat shows up all kinds of places and says strange things. Those 2 combined encapsulates the alienation I feel from this hell. Synthetic though it may be, hell it is for sure.

Today's text overflow

 I've been watching movies from the 1920s and noticed a normalized repressive influence of common social values. I know that is hard for some to grasp. Now, certain words are extremely taboo and saying the wrong thing gets a person in tons of trouble. Back then, people dressed very much the same, as they do now. There were certain things back then that were extremely taboo, like sex and the naked human body. This "everyone agrees you get in trouble if you do that" thing is what I'm referencing here. How in the 1920s, it was as strong as the 2020s.

Aerosmith Rocks saved my brain. I was stuck in a car most of the day, most days. My drive-crazy father would get all pissed if I made any sound or stopped looking out the windows. He had also recently bought me said cassette at a local garage sale. My path was obvious. Being so into music gave me something to listen to and think about that whole time. My sister did not have anything like this and it shows now. I'm a crippled musician living with same parents at 42 and she is married, has a high paying job and an expensive place to live. When I questioned her and explained what I found when I looked back, she said that it was to call her horrible. No. It was to make her question everything. Apparently too much for a brain with NO INTERESTS. That is too much doubt for someone who has never had a hobby.

And what do I get for playing multiple instruments in multiple bands, writing a book on music theory and recording multiple solo albums? What do I get for learning to fix bicycles, computers and guitars? What do I get for learning suminagashi, bookbinding, woodblock printing, paper mache and sculpture in pipecleaners among other things like audio/video recording and editing with effects? Nothing but torture. Every second worse forever.

Fucking with food

 

A recent food shopping time, I got a little adventurous. Then I started thinking about the items and had to try combining them. This has a veggie burger, artichoke heart, anchovie, garlic paste and relish. It's great. Chinese food (chef David Chang anyway) has XO sauce, so my name being obviouos by this perversion, mine is ND sauce.

Artichoke hearts are one of those scary foods to a child. They look really gross and do have an odor. However, like brussel sprouts, they are magically wonderful. Crayon Shin Chan hates green peppers, but I know peppers are all good. My stomach would just have trouble with the hot ones.

Mancala set for my mom

 

This looks like trash and works like magic. I was at the hospital and because I only eat fruit, vegetables, fish and rice, I drank lots of these little juice cups. Eventually, I figured out that the cups were for a mancala board and the foil tops were to be wadded for counters or balls. I sandwiched the flared tops of the cups between 2 pieces of cardboard and glued. Held together enough to throw. I was trying to thread string through a cup, but the fragile cups break and crack. Tying string around, I glued the knots on both sides to balance my lid cup and done. Holds the balls in well enough to throw down the stairs. I never want to fix or service this ever and know it may be used only once, if that. Why make it look perfect to sit on a shelf unused?

Bad foot and leg

 This foot and ankle are swollen and covered in horrible looking stuff, as seen earlier. Got tortured and entertained at the hospital, which referred me to wound care 5 hours away. The primary won't send a referral for another wound care until my appointment the day after tomorrow or I could spend frustrating hours looking for one on the insurance website and making countless, confusing phone calls after that. When I know for sure that this world is hell or worse and it just continues getting worse faster forever...

Foot photos

 I went to the hospital recently over this issue. Not much to eat that would not make me sick. Not much sleep, being woken up 20 minutes after passing out from the drugs that were kicking hard. Made a mancala set from juice cups. Met an amazing, wicked, intelligent and interesting nurse in charge of a floor overnight. I compared her with Tilda Swinton and sent a heartfelt thank you that she totally would not expect. I would say this was one of the better experiences of my life if I had not gotten sick from 1 slice of white bread the morning before I left. 1 of the most powerful for sure. I loved it even though there was so much negative content.

Talking trash

 I was just thinking about sugary fruit drinks and realized the containers are like those for beer. The high quality looks like it was made by farmers and artists. The high test looks like it's going fast.

Watching Destiny (1921) is seeing some of the worst whitewashing ever captured on film. The Chinese Asian part depicts a scholar with a scroll as an absolute fool, subhuman and jewish on top! I can tell the nationality of that actor regardless of makeup.

Thc vapes have collected on my desk. I have an array of different contents because basically selling the real deal whole thing is illegal and it has to be under a certain proof or content percentage. That is what I got of incoherence. Anyway, these are pacifiers for adults. Some of them are great, but this is one of our somas. Drug them out of resistance along with everything else. I'm really venting and typing some trash.

On a positive note, musicians and artists may get a "legendary enchanted jetpack" or temporary and hard earned escape from the madness. I turned on music and old silent films to just have something to look at, moving art. Then noticed not having to deal with a plot or the sequence of everyday events and it is what I notice making art or music. I don't have to deal with that order of events, following what is going on 100% to keep track and all that other everyday mental garbage. What are people doing?

Phone sign in

 I just used my phone to sign in here. It took about 20 minutes and ended up with 9 tabs open. I suffer for my art like a warrior has battle scars. Endless hours of layers on giant sculptures in paper mache. I made feathered wings for the last winged unicorn from pipecleaners and craft store feathers. I smash TVs and spray chemicals with no thoughts for my personal safety, only the outcome of what I'm doing. Yes, I wear that with pride.

And my groovy double keyboard setup

Idea for project

 I've had this idea recently for a larger scale, multimedia project. This is the place I see it happening easiest and where I know I can  do it. I will be using this to put up "Images and Words" (forgive reference to an album that has become part of me) and Alonetone for music. The video on this may be Youtube-esque, so that is this same account. Just whatever I think of, I'm going to post. Ideas about life and how things actually seem to work in this crazy world as well as the art, sometimes with accomanying text that is related only to that or a current series. No idea if, how much, how long, what will come of it. All I know is it is what I do and I'm going to put it out for others to see and maybe understand and appreciate my stuff. I'm going to the phone for post #1 of it, so there is something. I want it to really expand lots.